This is extremely late because I got blindsided by Midterms, Spring Break, and Various Other Tragedies. But I will be writing at least one of these every week from now on!

Here's an excerpt from The Office in 5 Minutes for Cocktails:

CFO'S WIFE: This is the guest room.

DWIGHT: So it's an unoccupied room with an unguarded window. Excellent. By the way, are those real pearls?

CFO'S WIFE: Of course they are!

[The CFO's wife exits.]

DWIGHT: So much to steal, so little time...

All links go to IMDB pages, in case you don't know or remember what a quote is referencing. Also, David the CFO keeps mentioning his "precioussss" because the actor Andy Buckley was a crew medic for the Lord of the Rings movies. I like to think that he accidentally-purposely took home the Ring from the Props Department and has been obsessed with it ever since. :)


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Dying Fish and Dying Stars: Cocktails in 5 Minutes


Michael's office

MICHAEL: I've put on a straitjacket so that I can do something incredibly amazing. Can you confirm this, Dwight?

DWIGHT: You're going to be flopping on the floor like a dying fish!

MICHAEL: I seriously doubt that. And now... the chains!


Talking head: Michael

MICHAEL: I went to magic camp, and I was the only person there who could watch PG-13 movies without adult supervision. So I rented The Ring, and then everyone had nightmares. But they did stop watching TV, so... the parents really should have thanked me. Instead of calling and yelling at me.


The office

MICHAEL: I shall escape from this straitjacket, like Houdini!

DWIGHT: The man who died because one of his magic tricks failed?

MICHAEL: I SHALL NOT FAIL!

JIM: Sorry, so, if you fail, you want us to just sit here and laugh?

MICHAEL: I SHALL NOT FAIL!

PAM: So even if you're covered in pig's blood and telekinetically killing everyone, you want us to just sit here and laugh?

MICHAEL: I SHALL NOT FAIL!

[Michael starts shaking like he's possessed. A brass key falls out of his mouth.]

BRASS KEY: Freedom, ho!

JIM'S SHOE: Oh, look, a pretty brass key. *commences rape*

[Michael lets out a strangled yell.]

KEVIN: We could bring you back to the mental institution, if you'd like.

MICHAEL: I SHALL NOT FAIL!

[Michael then proceeds to knock over a potted plant, hug a sofa, roll around on a floor, close window blinds with his feet, and flail around in his office. Much like a dying fish.]


Talking head: Michael

MICHAEL: I think I've failed. Either that, or a brass key has been seriously violated.


Opening credits

[A happy, albeit shortened, theme song plays.]


The office

MICHAEL: The early worm gets the worm!

JIM: I think you need to go back to proverb school.

MICHAEL: Hey, Pam, is it okay if I breathe in your face?

PAM: Hey, Michael, is it okay that I have to watch my soul mate develop a romantic relationship with another woman while I pretend to want to be dating my ex again?

MICHAEL: I'll take that as a no.

DWIGHT: You can breathe in my face anytime you want, Michael. My door is always open.

8,976,431 VIEWERS: Hey, no one told us that this was a horror movie!


Talking head: Michael

MICHAEL: So tonight, Jan and I are making our relationship public at Coolio Foolio Operator's party. Our boss, not the rapper. Common mistake.


Jim's desk

MICHAEL: ROAD TRIP!

JIM: I would never take a road trip with you, not in a million billion years.


Talking head: Jim

JIM: Why don't I want to go on a road trip with Michael? Have you been watching this show at all?


Michael's car

DWIGHT: This rap concert is gonna be awesome. I can't wait to hear some of Coolio Foolio Operator's new material.

MICHAEL: Either you're making a common mistake, or we are severely overdressed.

[A phone rings.]

MICHAEL: Princess Buttercup!

JAN: I must have sex with you now. Immediately. Pronto.

MICHAEL: But our relationship must be made public in front of screaming ghetto rap fans.

JAN: I... what?

DWIGHT: Get your mind out of the gutter, Jan.


Reception desk

PAM: Since Michael's at a rap concert, we're all going to Poor Richard's.

ROY: I hate rap. I'd rather go to a bar.

PAM: Seriously, if you don't start listening to me and actually caring about what I want, I just might come to the realization that I don't like you in that way anymore and have not for quite some time now.

ROY: Sheesh, I'll be there.


Talking head: Pam

PAM: I've decided that I'm going to be more honest. From now on, I'm going to say what I want, and I'm going to get what I want. So don't mess with me. Bitch.


Outside the CFO's house

DWIGHT: You're dressed exactly like the servants.

MICHAEL: Kind of like that time when I was dressed exactly like the mental patients. Quick, Dwight, take off your shirt.

DWIGHT: Just the shirt?

MICHAEL: Ew, Dwight, I'm not like Oscar. I'm not Mexicanese.

DWIGHT: Good, because I don't roll that way. Crisis averted.


Poor Richard's

PAM: Aw, that duck is so cute!

STANLEY: She sounds like my six-month-old niece.

TOBY: She sounds like she's going to hook up with whoever gets her that duck.


The CFO's house

MICHAEL: Here's some homemade potato salad. I washed my hands before making it, I promise.

CFO'S WIFE: It sounds delightful!


Talking head: Michael

MICHAEL: If anyone eats this potato salad, they will be violently sick. Don't tell anyone. Especially not the CFO. I don't need any rap gangstas putting bullets through my windshield.


Poor Richard's

PAM: So, when will we see an episode entitled Kevin's Wedding?

KELLY: Best episode ever!

KEVIN: No, no, not an episode, not an episode AT ALL.

[Enter Roy and Kenny.]

ROY: Well, here I am, because I'd like to keep pretending that I'm a good boyfriend who understands you. I also brought Kenny along, because he's Scar and I'm Mufasa, or something.

KENNY: I'm not happy about being here.

PAM: Sorry about the jet skis, Kenny.

KENNY: I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT BEING HERE.

ROY: Uh, drinks on me?

[Over by the door, Toby briefly contemplates killing Roy. Then he returns to the Hunt for the Wedding Ring Duck, so that he can propose to Pam already.]


The CFO's house

DWIGHT: Feces are delicious.

RANDOM WOMAN: There are some really weird people at this rap concert, yo.


Outside the CFO's house

MICHAEL: So where's your bling?

JAN: This isn't a bling kind of event, Michael. Now, sign this waiver so that you can't sue Dunder-Mifflin if I come to my senses and break up with you.

MICHAEL: You love me?

JAN: Of course, this waiver won't protect me from gunfire, but I suppose I'll just have to deal with that when the time comes.

MICHAEL: You love me!

JAN: I think you're going to eventually go postal and bring a sawed-off shotgun to work, so, no, I don't love you.

MICHAEL: [singing] You think I'm goooorgeous... you want to kiiiiss me... You want to huuuuug me... You want to looooove me... You want to smoooooch me...

JAN: Oh, dear God. He's quoting a Sandra Bullock movie.


Talking head: Jan

JAN: Does it trouble me that Michael watches chick flicks? No, because I know for a fact that he watches the Teletubbies religiously, which is far more disturbing than anything else he could possibly do. So, to compensate with the bowl of crazies that is Michael Scott, I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day. Thus, I will eventually die of lung cancer, like a dying star.


Outside the CFO's house

MICHAEL: I dotted the "i" with a heart.

JAN: This is strangely endearing.


Talking head: Jan

JAN: Oh, God. I think I'm falling for Michael Scott.


Outside the CFO's house

MICHAEL: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!

JAN: I love... lamp.


The CFO's house

DWIGHT: Man, rap fans are idiots.

RANDOM MAN: What is this "rap" you speak of?


Elsewhere in the CFO's house

MICHAEL: All right, non-rapper and non-rapper's wife, how's it shakin'? By the way, Jan and I are lovers!

JAN: David, I need to talk to you, so I can convince you that I haven't completely lost my mind. It has to do with babies and dying stars.

DAVID: Tricksy hobbitses! I have stolen your precious, but you shall not catch me... Sorry, what?

[Jan and David exit. The CFO's wife attempts to exit.]

CFO'S WIFE: $&*#! camera.


Poor Richard's

[Pam is getting drinks from the bar.]

PAM: Hey, bartender, you fucked up my drinks. Bitch.


The CFO's house

KAREN: The merger went well. Three of the Stamfordites hated the Scranton branch so much that they quit. One hated it so much that he attempted to destroy the building with his bare hands. And I... well, I hate Scranton so much that I'm not leaving. Ever.

MICHAEL: But we're all happy. Especially Jan and me. We're so happy together.

JAN: No, Michael, I will not make out with you in front of all these people. Let's go do it in the bathroom instead.

RANDOM MAN: There are some horny people at this rap concert, yo.


The CFO's house, later

CFO'S WIFE: Does anyone want anything? And by "anything" I mean, "don't you dare ask me for anything or I will kick your ass."

MICHAEL: That's what she said!

KAREN: I'll just go ahead and change the subject.

DWIGHT: That reminds me, I need to take a tour around the house. See everything firsthand. Just in case I need to, you know, rob the place later or something.

CFO'S WIFE: Great, I'll show you around!


The CFO's house, later

KAREN: Random Guy #1 and I used to date. You know, having sex, making out in the back seat, the whole deal. It ended badly.

JIM: Thanks for telling me! I don't feel awkward at all! The images are burning my brain...


The CFO's house, later

MICHAEL: Ooh, apple juice!

JAN: It's not apple juice, Michael.

[Michael chokes on his drink.]

DAVID: Preciousssss... Wait, that's not apple juice! All we have here is lembas. Lembas, anyone?


Poor Richard's

[The Dunder-Mifflinites are playing a drinking game.]

ROY: The quarter is totally on my side of the table.

KEVIN: You are so wrong.

RYAN: No, Kevin, Roy is right. I know this because I am intelligent and adorable.

[Ryan proves that the quarter is, in fact, on Roy's side of the table.]

KEVIN: You are intelligent and adorable.

RYAN: I'm a bit arrogant as well.


Poor Richard's, on Roy's side of the table

ROY: So, the quarter is under Pam's hand or Stanley's hand. Now, I could have a sweet moment with Pam, or I could have a sweet moment with Stanley. Decisions, decisions...

PAM: Stanley's married, Roy.

ROY: You're right. Pam, let's have a sweet moment.

[Pam and Roy have a sweet moment.]

ROY: And since I'm Roy and thus inherently incapable of having a genuine moment lasting over five seconds, I'll just go ahead and ruin this. Pam, I can read you like a book. If you kissed someone else in a parking lot at night, I would know about it instantly. I know every single guilty thought that has ever run through your head.

PAM: Great, he's full of shit. And so am I.


Poor Richard's, elsewhere

RANDOM TEENAGERS: Hey, Creed! You rock, Creed! You're the man, Creed!

CREED: Hello to you too, random teenagers.


Talking head: Creed

CREED: I create fake IDs for them. I'm basically their hero. Like Superman. Go go Power Rangers!


The CFO's house, second floor

CFO'S WIFE: This is the guest room.

DWIGHT: So it's an unoccupied room with an unguarded window. Excellent. By the way, are those real pearls?

CFO'S WIFE: Of course they are!

[The CFO's wife exits.]

DWIGHT: So much to steal, so little time...


The CFO's house

KAREN: I totally had sex with Random Guy #2 when he was separated from his wife. I'm glad this doesn't make you uncomfortable.

JIM: NOT UNCOMFORTABLE AT ALL.


The CFO's house, elsewhere

MICHAEL: This candle smells like vanilla.

JAN: Excuse us, David.

[Michael and Jan exit.]

DAVID: Hobbitses shall not steal my preciousssss... Hey, where did they go?


Outside the bathroom

MICHAEL: What are you doing?!

JAN: Must we go through this every single time?

[Jan pulls Michael into the bathroom.]

MICHAEL: But I already went earlier!


Inside the bathroom

JAN: See, Michael? Isn't this great?

MICHAEL: No! This is like that nightmare I had once, about getting attacked in a bathroom!

JAN: What, like, when you were a little kid?

MICHAEL: No, like, last week.


Poor Richard's

[Pam is sitting alone. Toby enters.]

TOBY: Here's the Wedding Ring Duck, Pam. Will you marry me?

PAM: Hey, Toby! Where have you been all night?

TOBY: I was over by the door, spending $42.75 worth of quarters to get you the Wedding Ring Duck. Will you marry me?

PAM: Don't you have a daughter?

TOBY: Yes. But look, I'm giving you the Wedding Ring Duck. Will you marry me?

PAM: So I guess this is for her. How cute!

[Pam gives the Wedding Ring Duck back to Toby.]

TOBY: Great. I am invisible, and she is deaf.


The CFO's house, in a bedroom

DWIGHT: So, little kid, how much do you think this chair would fetch at a flea market?

LITTLE KID: I don't know.

DWIGHT: You're right, I'll just keep it for myself. Is this oak?

LITTLE KID: I don't know.

DWIGHT: At least my kid isn't going to have a vocabulary consisting of only three words.

LITTLE KID: I don't know.


The CFO's house

[Karen is fixing the tie of Random Guy #3. Across the room, Jim debates whether or not to grow long bangs and start wearing tight t-shirts.]

DAVID: Don't do it, man. Be a jock, not an emo kid. Let's go shoot some hoops.

JIM: Awesome.


The CFO's house, elsewhere

JIM: So, I'm gonna go shoot some hoops with David Wallace. Even though I don't roll that way.

KAREN: Oh, don't worry, he doesn't either. I know this because I had sex with him. Twice.

JIM: WHAT. THE. HELL.

KAREN: Ha ha ha! I tricked you! I mean, you're kind of like my first. Ha ha ha! Tricked you again! Ha ha! Ha! Ha!

JIM: You're right, it's hilarious that I trusted you so much I didn't even consider the possibility that you were LYING TO ME THE ENTIRE TIME.


The CFO's house, elsewhere

CFO'S WIFE: Michael has made the most wonderful poisoned potato salad.


Talking head: Michael

MICHAEL: I really wish she wouldn't advertise that. Especially not at a rap concert. I mean, there are people running around with ghetto bling. And I'm pretty sure Ryan Seacrest is dealing something over by the foyer. Dinkin' flicka. There's something wrong with Jan.


Behind the CFO's house

DAVID: So, what's up with Jan and Michael? I've been too distracted by my precioussss to notice the incredibly obvious plot line that's been going on the entire night at my own house.

JIM: Well, she's Beauty, and he's the Beast. Only her name is actually Belle, which I never really understood when I was a little kid.

DAVID: Me either.

[They laugh. Meanwhile, up on the rooftop, Dwight is assessing the chimney as a potential entry point.]

DAVID: Hey, there's a guy up on the roof. Santa Claus is trying to steal my precious!


Talking head: Dwight

DWIGHT: Well, I discovered about ten different ways to break into the house without setting off any alarms, so I'll be coming into a rather large fortune very soon. All in all, it's been a wonderful cocktail party.


Poor Richard's

PAM: I want a fresh start. No secrets.

ROY: I didn't sleep with anyone! And if I did, I'm totally sorry about it. I'll never do it again.

PAM: Whatever, I don't care about you anymore. I just need to tell you that Jim and I kissed on Casino Night. So I dumped you, not because of your utter worthlessness as a boyfriend, but because I had feelings for someone else but was too afraid to actually say anything to anyone. Whoo, honesty! It feels so good to get the lies and guilt off my back! How you like me now, bitch?!

ROY: You dumped me for JIM? That PANSY?

PAM: He's not a pansy, he's totally hot!

ROY: HE IS NOT HOT!

PAM: Yelling isn't sexy as you think it is.

ROY: I'M NOT YELLING!

[Roy throws a drink at the wall.]

PAM: Okay, I'm starting to think that this honesty policy was not such a good idea.

ROY: I AM THE HULK.

[Kenny enters.]

KENNY: AND I AM THE HULK'S BROTHER.

PAM: The Hulk doesn't have a brother.

[Roy and Kenny ignore this and proceed to throw and smash random things.]

[Pam exits.]


Michael's car

MICHAEL: Jan, did you eat some of that potato salad? Because I totally have the antidote if you need it.

JAN: No, no, I just think it's a mistake to take this relationship public, especially when I'm only in it for the danger and the secrecy and the sex. Please don't cry.

MICHAEL: I'm not crying, I'm tearing up your love contract! I'm tearing up the house and the picket fence and the ketchup fights and the giggling and the little babies, even the adopted ones from Africa!

JAN: Wait, I'm sorry! It was the potato salad speaking, not me!

MICHAEL: I love you, Jan.

JAN: I love... lamp.

DWIGHT: Don't ever break up, you guys. That way, in ten years, we can have a spin-off reality show about the family of Michael Scott and Jan Levinson-Scott, the co-CFO's of Dunder-Mifflin.


Outside Poor Richard's, in a dark alley

KENNY: I just spent all our jet ski money bribing people to keep you out of jail. So, you see, Roy, comparing me to Scar is an unfair analogy.

ROY: You're right. While I was out here contemplating which shade of black to dye my hair, I came up with a new analogy. You are a psychotic hyena, I am Scar, and Jim Halpert is Mufasa. Now I just need to find Simba and a pack of wildebeest.

8,976,431 VIEWERS: NOOOOO! MUFASAAA!


Closing credits

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