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So I took the basic idea of Movies in 15 Minutes (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif)
m15m) and applied it to The Office. It's 90% snark and 10% recap. As a disclaimer, the author of Movies in 15 Minutes has said that people are free to use the snarky script recap idea. So.. The Office in 5 minutes!
An excerpt:
--------------------------
The Mawwidge Saga: Phyllis' Wedding in 5 Minutes
Pavlov's laboratory
JIM: I paid attention in science class when I was a kid. Also, I like rebooting my computer. Hey, Dwight, want an Altoid?
DWIGHT: Hell yeah.
[Repeat the above about 500 times.]
[Jim reboots his computer.]
DWIGHT: Where's my damn Altoid?
Opening credits
[A happy theme song plays.]
On the steps of a church
[Michael desperately wants in on Phyllis' wedding photos.]
PHOTOGRAPHER: So for this next picture, I'm going to need the guy with the desperate look on his face to step out, kthxbye.
Talking head: Michael
MICHAEL: Phyllis loves me because I'm her boss.
Talking head: Phyllis
PHYLLIS: I only pretended to love Michael so he'd give me an extended honeymoon. I'm not a sneaky bitch, I promise.
Talking head: Pam
[Pam holds up her own wedding invitation and Phyllis' wedding invitation, which look exactly the same.]
PAM: Phyllis is a sneaky bitch!
Some random parking lot
KAREN: We got Phyllis a toaster.
STANLEY: I hate you.
Some random piece of sidewalk
DWIGHT: Angela, you're as beautiful as an 80-year-old royal figurehead.
ANGELA: Thank you, Dwight. I mean, I hate you forever and ever, Dwight.
Talking head: Dwight
DWIGHT: The Schrutes marry standing in their graves. Angela is going to love that.
Inside a church
[A big flowery sign proudly displays the letters “P & R,” for “Phyllis & Robert.”]
KAREN: I can read!
JIM: Hey, so can I.
Talking head: Pam
[Pam can read as well, and she has deduced that “P & R” can also mean “Pam & Roy.”]
PAM: Phyllis is a sneaky bitch!
In the bride's dressing room
MICHAEL: Phyllis, it's time we talked. About... the birds and the bees. Even though you're kind of like a toad.
PHYLLIS: Get the hell away from me.
Beside a completely random TV in a dimly lit Unabomber room
[The TV is showing a videotape of Michael's mother's wedding to his stepfather, Evil Jeff. Young Michael wets his pants and that somehow disqualifies him from being the ring bearer.]
TV YOUNG MICHAEL: I hate you!
Talking head: Michael
MICHAEL: Yes, I was completely ignored at the last wedding that I went to, and this left me with a lot of pent up anger at weddings in general. Why do you ask?
The wedding
DWIGHT: There are too many people here.
JIM: They're all wedding crashers.
DWIGHT: I hate wedding crashers almost as much as I hate bears.
In a pew
[Kevin introduces himself to Toby's suspiciously hot girlfriend.]
TOBY: I met her at the gym.
KEVIN: If “gym” means “not a gym,” then, sure.
In another pew
KELLY: Meredith, get the fuck off my dress.
MEREDITH: Don't wear white to a wedding, bitch.
KELLY: I'm not a bitch.
Talking head: Kelly
KELLY: I'm a bitch.
Outside the doors to the wedding
[Michael watches as the ring bearer begins to walk down the aisle.]
MICHAEL: I'm trying really, really hard to suppress the memories of my terrible childhood.
PHYLLIS' DAD: Shut up and push the damn wheelchair.
The wedding
[Phyllis has the same wedding dress that Pam had, like that isn't creepy at all.]
PAM: Phyllis is a sneaky bitch!
[Phyllis' father, in a miraculous act equivalent to Moses parting the sea, gets up out of his wheelchair and proceeds to walk down the aisle with Phyllis. Michael is left behind to be washed away in a salty ocean of tears.]
MICHAEL: This is bull@#&$.
Talking head: Michael
[Michael throws what basically amounts to the tantrum of a 5-year old, and no one stops him because they all think he's the Unabomber.]
MICHAEL: So... much... anger... can't stop... the Hulk... from taking over...
A table of wedding gifts
[Creed removes the card on the biggest wedding gift, replacing it with his own card.]
CREED: Suckers!
The wedding
[Phyllis and Bob are about to say their “I do”s to each other.]
PHYLLIS: I do.
MICHAEL: They're married!
[The audience wonders if Michael has Tourette's.]
BOB: I do.
MICHAEL: They're married!
[The audience applauds.]
After the wedding
[Angela congratulates Phyllis for, like, a second, before she remembers that she hates everyone, and everyone includes Phyllis.]
ANGELA: Your wedding dress set my eyes on fire.
[On the other side of the room, Michael confronts Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.]
MICHAEL: Don't you ever touch Phyllis.
BOB: How about this: If you ever touch Phyllis, I'll blow your f@#$ing head off.
MICHAEL: Fair enough.
[Dwight approaches Phyllis.]
DWIGHT: I'm going to need the names, birth dates, SSNs, maiden names, favorite colors, passports, pin numbers, current photographs, nicknames, and pets' names of all the people on your guest list. Also, I'll need finger paintings of the caterers.
PHYLLIS: What are you, some kind of crazy person?
DWIGHT: Wedding crashers, Phyllis! Wedding crashers!
The reception
[Kelly sits down beside Pam at a fancy dinner table.]
KELLY: You want to stab yourself in the heart, don't you? Like in Romeo and Juliet?
PAM: No, I don't care at all that I'm completely alone at what should have been my wedding.
KELLY: You lie, liar! You should get drunk and jump Jim, because then you'll have a baby and he'll have to dump Karen for you.
PAM: Oh my God, you're a crazy person. But maybe...
The buffet at the reception
[A senile old man is hovering around the food. A witch hunter approaches.]
SENILE OLD MAN: Is this your birthday party?
DWIGHT: WEDDING CRASHER!
[Elsewhere, Michael congratulates Phyllis and Bob for what has to be, like, the 34th time.]
MICHAEL: The chicken is great.
PHYLLIS: It's fish, asshole.
Talking head: Michael
[Michael sniffs a glass of wine.]
MICHAEL: I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Talking head: Kevin
KEVIN: Our wedding band is really taking off. If by “taking off” I mean... not taking off.
On a stage
KEVIN: A senile old man is missing. He was not a wedding crasher. I repeat, he was not a wedding crasher.
DWIGHT: Maybe it's a good thing that I'm no longer a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy.
[Kevin's band, Scrantonicity, kicks off with The Police's Roxanne, in what the writers clearly intend to be a brilliant foreshadowing of the future Grammys' opening performance.]
Pam's table
ROY: So, the flowers. Can I use them to remind you about what a terrible boyfriend I was?
PAM: Yes, and also, Phyllis is a sneaky bitch.
ROY: Want me to beat her up for you?
PAM: Not unless you want your head blown off by Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
ROY: Well, at least I wasn't the one calling off a wedding because I was in love with someone else, oh snap.
A dark intersection
[The senile old man is attempting to cross a street at the wrong time. Cars honk at him. He is confused.]
The toasts
BOB'S FRIEND: Phyllis is awesome. Here's to Bob and Phyllis!
MICHAEL: For the next 40 minutes, I'm going to annoy the hell out of you. Here's to Bob and Phyllis!
Talking head: Michael
MICHAEL: My terrible childhood taught me that being annoying was the best way to get people to acknowledge my presence.
The toasts, continued
MICHAEL: Phyllis used to be somewhat of a slut back in high school. Here's to Phlob!
BOB: I'm going to blow your f@$&ing head off!
MICHAEL: I hate you!
A table at the reception
JIM: Remember when we used to be really close friends with all that sexual tension between us because I was secretly in love with you, and I saw your dorky dance moves? Those dance moves were really cute.
PAM: I love you, Jim! Do you still love me?
JAM SHIPPERS: OMGOMGOMGOMG
Talking head: Jim
JIM: Yes, I am incredibly dense and afraid of further rejection, why do you ask?
The door to the reception
[Dwight and Michael are playing a game of Red Rover. Michael is losing badly.]
MICHAEL: Let me in!
DWIGHT: No, wedding crasher!
The dance floor
[Jim and Karen are slow dancing. Pam is sad. Jim sees Pam. Jim sees Pam is sad. Pam sees Jim seeing her sadness. Pam leaves, and Jim does absolutely nothing about it.]
JAM SHIPPERS: WTF?!
ROY: Pam, I am a master of bribery, and that's supposed to make you love me again.
Not on the dance floor
[Roy and Pam slow dance in a random hallway. Michael is sitting alone on a bench outside in the dark. Angela and Dwight are slow dancing on a lawn. Apparently, dancing on the actual dance floor gives you rabies.]
The dance floor
[Roy and Pam join hands as they leave the reception together.]
JIM: I just had the strangest feeling of deja vu.
Talking head: Jim
JIM: Now I have to go pretend that I do not, in fact, still have feelings for Pam.
The dance floor
[Karen sings and dances on a stage. Jim waves a cell phone in the air and pretends that he does not still have feelings for Pam.]
Tossing the bouquet
[Phyllis tosses the bouquet directly to Kelly. Ryan knocks it out of the air in a phenomenal interception. And the bouquet is received by... Toby's suspiciously hot girlfriend! Touchdown!]
Talking head: Toby
TOBY: Yeah! Where's your suspiciously hot girlfriend, Michael Scott? Where is she now?
Outside the church
[Michael has invited the senile old man to his pity party.]
MICHAEL: Why doesn't anyone ever like me?
SENILE OLD MAN: Happy birthday!
MICHAEL: Like, WTF man, don't you know the rules? I listened to your whining, now you have to listen to mine.
[The wedding party exits the church. Michael is immediately drawn to them, in the same way that a moth is drawn to light.]
MICHAEL: Phyllis, I don't hate you, I'm sorry for acting like a crazy person throughout your entire wedding. Could you ever forgive me?
PHYLLIS: I really want an extended honeymoon, so, I have no idea what you're even talking about.
[Phyllis gives Michael a kiss on the cheek. Michael's heart soars like an eagle.]
Talking head: Michael
MICHAEL: I never know what I'm talking about.
Flashback to the reception
MICHAEL: Do you notice my presence now? Do you? Do you??
Closing credits
--------------------------------
m15m) and applied it to The Office. It's 90% snark and 10% recap. As a disclaimer, the author of Movies in 15 Minutes has said that people are free to use the snarky script recap idea. So.. The Office in 5 minutes!An excerpt:
MICHAEL: Phyllis, it's time we talked. About... the birds and the bees. Even though you're kind of like a toad.
PHYLLIS: Get the hell away from me.
--------------------------
The Mawwidge Saga: Phyllis' Wedding in 5 Minutes
Pavlov's laboratory
JIM: I paid attention in science class when I was a kid. Also, I like rebooting my computer. Hey, Dwight, want an Altoid?
DWIGHT: Hell yeah.
[Repeat the above about 500 times.]
[Jim reboots his computer.]
DWIGHT: Where's my damn Altoid?
Opening credits
[A happy theme song plays.]
On the steps of a church
[Michael desperately wants in on Phyllis' wedding photos.]
PHOTOGRAPHER: So for this next picture, I'm going to need the guy with the desperate look on his face to step out, kthxbye.
Talking head: Michael
MICHAEL: Phyllis loves me because I'm her boss.
Talking head: Phyllis
PHYLLIS: I only pretended to love Michael so he'd give me an extended honeymoon. I'm not a sneaky bitch, I promise.
Talking head: Pam
[Pam holds up her own wedding invitation and Phyllis' wedding invitation, which look exactly the same.]
PAM: Phyllis is a sneaky bitch!
Some random parking lot
KAREN: We got Phyllis a toaster.
STANLEY: I hate you.
Some random piece of sidewalk
DWIGHT: Angela, you're as beautiful as an 80-year-old royal figurehead.
ANGELA: Thank you, Dwight. I mean, I hate you forever and ever, Dwight.
Talking head: Dwight
DWIGHT: The Schrutes marry standing in their graves. Angela is going to love that.
Inside a church
[A big flowery sign proudly displays the letters “P & R,” for “Phyllis & Robert.”]
KAREN: I can read!
JIM: Hey, so can I.
Talking head: Pam
[Pam can read as well, and she has deduced that “P & R” can also mean “Pam & Roy.”]
PAM: Phyllis is a sneaky bitch!
In the bride's dressing room
MICHAEL: Phyllis, it's time we talked. About... the birds and the bees. Even though you're kind of like a toad.
PHYLLIS: Get the hell away from me.
Beside a completely random TV in a dimly lit Unabomber room
[The TV is showing a videotape of Michael's mother's wedding to his stepfather, Evil Jeff. Young Michael wets his pants and that somehow disqualifies him from being the ring bearer.]
TV YOUNG MICHAEL: I hate you!
Talking head: Michael
MICHAEL: Yes, I was completely ignored at the last wedding that I went to, and this left me with a lot of pent up anger at weddings in general. Why do you ask?
The wedding
DWIGHT: There are too many people here.
JIM: They're all wedding crashers.
DWIGHT: I hate wedding crashers almost as much as I hate bears.
In a pew
[Kevin introduces himself to Toby's suspiciously hot girlfriend.]
TOBY: I met her at the gym.
KEVIN: If “gym” means “not a gym,” then, sure.
In another pew
KELLY: Meredith, get the fuck off my dress.
MEREDITH: Don't wear white to a wedding, bitch.
KELLY: I'm not a bitch.
Talking head: Kelly
KELLY: I'm a bitch.
Outside the doors to the wedding
[Michael watches as the ring bearer begins to walk down the aisle.]
MICHAEL: I'm trying really, really hard to suppress the memories of my terrible childhood.
PHYLLIS' DAD: Shut up and push the damn wheelchair.
The wedding
[Phyllis has the same wedding dress that Pam had, like that isn't creepy at all.]
PAM: Phyllis is a sneaky bitch!
[Phyllis' father, in a miraculous act equivalent to Moses parting the sea, gets up out of his wheelchair and proceeds to walk down the aisle with Phyllis. Michael is left behind to be washed away in a salty ocean of tears.]
MICHAEL: This is bull@#&$.
Talking head: Michael
[Michael throws what basically amounts to the tantrum of a 5-year old, and no one stops him because they all think he's the Unabomber.]
MICHAEL: So... much... anger... can't stop... the Hulk... from taking over...
A table of wedding gifts
[Creed removes the card on the biggest wedding gift, replacing it with his own card.]
CREED: Suckers!
The wedding
[Phyllis and Bob are about to say their “I do”s to each other.]
PHYLLIS: I do.
MICHAEL: They're married!
[The audience wonders if Michael has Tourette's.]
BOB: I do.
MICHAEL: They're married!
[The audience applauds.]
After the wedding
[Angela congratulates Phyllis for, like, a second, before she remembers that she hates everyone, and everyone includes Phyllis.]
ANGELA: Your wedding dress set my eyes on fire.
[On the other side of the room, Michael confronts Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.]
MICHAEL: Don't you ever touch Phyllis.
BOB: How about this: If you ever touch Phyllis, I'll blow your f@#$ing head off.
MICHAEL: Fair enough.
[Dwight approaches Phyllis.]
DWIGHT: I'm going to need the names, birth dates, SSNs, maiden names, favorite colors, passports, pin numbers, current photographs, nicknames, and pets' names of all the people on your guest list. Also, I'll need finger paintings of the caterers.
PHYLLIS: What are you, some kind of crazy person?
DWIGHT: Wedding crashers, Phyllis! Wedding crashers!
The reception
[Kelly sits down beside Pam at a fancy dinner table.]
KELLY: You want to stab yourself in the heart, don't you? Like in Romeo and Juliet?
PAM: No, I don't care at all that I'm completely alone at what should have been my wedding.
KELLY: You lie, liar! You should get drunk and jump Jim, because then you'll have a baby and he'll have to dump Karen for you.
PAM: Oh my God, you're a crazy person. But maybe...
The buffet at the reception
[A senile old man is hovering around the food. A witch hunter approaches.]
SENILE OLD MAN: Is this your birthday party?
DWIGHT: WEDDING CRASHER!
[Elsewhere, Michael congratulates Phyllis and Bob for what has to be, like, the 34th time.]
MICHAEL: The chicken is great.
PHYLLIS: It's fish, asshole.
Talking head: Michael
[Michael sniffs a glass of wine.]
MICHAEL: I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Talking head: Kevin
KEVIN: Our wedding band is really taking off. If by “taking off” I mean... not taking off.
On a stage
KEVIN: A senile old man is missing. He was not a wedding crasher. I repeat, he was not a wedding crasher.
DWIGHT: Maybe it's a good thing that I'm no longer a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy.
[Kevin's band, Scrantonicity, kicks off with The Police's Roxanne, in what the writers clearly intend to be a brilliant foreshadowing of the future Grammys' opening performance.]
Pam's table
ROY: So, the flowers. Can I use them to remind you about what a terrible boyfriend I was?
PAM: Yes, and also, Phyllis is a sneaky bitch.
ROY: Want me to beat her up for you?
PAM: Not unless you want your head blown off by Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
ROY: Well, at least I wasn't the one calling off a wedding because I was in love with someone else, oh snap.
A dark intersection
[The senile old man is attempting to cross a street at the wrong time. Cars honk at him. He is confused.]
The toasts
BOB'S FRIEND: Phyllis is awesome. Here's to Bob and Phyllis!
MICHAEL: For the next 40 minutes, I'm going to annoy the hell out of you. Here's to Bob and Phyllis!
Talking head: Michael
MICHAEL: My terrible childhood taught me that being annoying was the best way to get people to acknowledge my presence.
The toasts, continued
MICHAEL: Phyllis used to be somewhat of a slut back in high school. Here's to Phlob!
BOB: I'm going to blow your f@$&ing head off!
MICHAEL: I hate you!
A table at the reception
JIM: Remember when we used to be really close friends with all that sexual tension between us because I was secretly in love with you, and I saw your dorky dance moves? Those dance moves were really cute.
PAM: I love you, Jim! Do you still love me?
JAM SHIPPERS: OMGOMGOMGOMG
Talking head: Jim
JIM: Yes, I am incredibly dense and afraid of further rejection, why do you ask?
The door to the reception
[Dwight and Michael are playing a game of Red Rover. Michael is losing badly.]
MICHAEL: Let me in!
DWIGHT: No, wedding crasher!
The dance floor
[Jim and Karen are slow dancing. Pam is sad. Jim sees Pam. Jim sees Pam is sad. Pam sees Jim seeing her sadness. Pam leaves, and Jim does absolutely nothing about it.]
JAM SHIPPERS: WTF?!
ROY: Pam, I am a master of bribery, and that's supposed to make you love me again.
Not on the dance floor
[Roy and Pam slow dance in a random hallway. Michael is sitting alone on a bench outside in the dark. Angela and Dwight are slow dancing on a lawn. Apparently, dancing on the actual dance floor gives you rabies.]
The dance floor
[Roy and Pam join hands as they leave the reception together.]
JIM: I just had the strangest feeling of deja vu.
Talking head: Jim
JIM: Now I have to go pretend that I do not, in fact, still have feelings for Pam.
The dance floor
[Karen sings and dances on a stage. Jim waves a cell phone in the air and pretends that he does not still have feelings for Pam.]
Tossing the bouquet
[Phyllis tosses the bouquet directly to Kelly. Ryan knocks it out of the air in a phenomenal interception. And the bouquet is received by... Toby's suspiciously hot girlfriend! Touchdown!]
Talking head: Toby
TOBY: Yeah! Where's your suspiciously hot girlfriend, Michael Scott? Where is she now?
Outside the church
[Michael has invited the senile old man to his pity party.]
MICHAEL: Why doesn't anyone ever like me?
SENILE OLD MAN: Happy birthday!
MICHAEL: Like, WTF man, don't you know the rules? I listened to your whining, now you have to listen to mine.
[The wedding party exits the church. Michael is immediately drawn to them, in the same way that a moth is drawn to light.]
MICHAEL: Phyllis, I don't hate you, I'm sorry for acting like a crazy person throughout your entire wedding. Could you ever forgive me?
PHYLLIS: I really want an extended honeymoon, so, I have no idea what you're even talking about.
[Phyllis gives Michael a kiss on the cheek. Michael's heart soars like an eagle.]
Talking head: Michael
MICHAEL: I never know what I'm talking about.
Flashback to the reception
MICHAEL: Do you notice my presence now? Do you? Do you??
Closing credits
--------------------------------
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