I don't post anything in here anymore. Sorry. I am still active in various communities, though, so feel free to friend me for whatever reason.

I made these over a year ago, after the airing of "Beach Games". I discovered them earlier while cleaning out some folders and figured I might as well post them. *confetti*



( And here are the rest... )

This is super late, but here's an entry for "The Negotiation"!

ROY: I'm so sorry, Pam. I guess I just always thought that Halpert was having a gay affair with Dwight, or Michael, or something. And, uh, by gay I mean homosexual, not retarded.

PAM: I'm sorry as well. We both made bad choices. Like, you decided to kill a gay man, and I decided to break up with you and not start dating Jim.

ROY: Yeah, why didn't you?

PAM: He has a girlfriend.

ROY: Uh, he only started dating her like five months after we broke up.

PAM: Oh yeah...

ROY: I don't get you, Pam. You really should pay more attention to your calendar.

PAM: I know.

Read the rest behind the cut:

( Fine! Then the next time you wake up at 3 in the morning because you've had a nightmare about the little girl in The Ring, don't come crying to me about it! )

15-page research paper? What? No, it's another installment of The Office in 5 Minutes, featuring Superman, a zombie, and a giant friendly mouse!

An excerpt from The Injury in 5 Minutes:

DWIGHT: Chunky mp3 players are better, because you want the lump in your pocket to suggest that you're really happy to see people.

PAM: Awesome.

DWIGHT: So I'll see you later, Pan.

PAM: I think there's a typo in the script. My name is spelled P-A-M. Okay, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Let's go outside and run around like crazy people.

( No, I have never participated in a game of Shotgun before, but I have looked up the rules on Wikipedia. The first person to make a sound wins, and then everyone else has to jump off a bridge. Why do you ask? )

This is extremely late because I got blindsided by Midterms, Spring Break, and Various Other Tragedies. But I will be writing at least one of these every week from now on!

Here's an excerpt from The Office in 5 Minutes for Cocktails:

CFO'S WIFE: This is the guest room.

DWIGHT: So it's an unoccupied room with an unguarded window. Excellent. By the way, are those real pearls?

CFO'S WIFE: Of course they are!

[The CFO's wife exits.]

DWIGHT: So much to steal, so little time...

All links go to IMDB pages, in case you don't know or remember what a quote is referencing. Also, David the CFO keeps mentioning his "precioussss" because the actor Andy Buckley was a crew medic for the Lord of the Rings movies. I like to think that he accidentally-purposely took home the Ring from the Props Department and has been obsessed with it ever since. :)

( I'm not crying, I'm tearing up your love contract! I'm tearing up the house and the picket fence and the ketchup fights and the giggling and the little babies, even the adopted ones from Africa! )

Here's another "Office in 5 Minutes" episode! This one's a bit longer.

An excerpt:

TOBY: I can't go to your art show because my daughter's play is tonight.

PAM: Don't worry about it.

TOBY: But now that I think about it, I'd rather go to your art show.

PAM: Don't worry about it.

TOBY: I mean, I really want to hook up with a nice woman, you know? And there just aren't any nice, pretty, unmarried women with hot bodies at my daughter's play.

PAM: SERIOUSLY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

( I mean, isn't it great how I'm the only person who showed up to your art show? And I'm just here so I'll get laid later tonight! Did no one else in your office want to get laid? That is so cool! )

So I took the basic idea of Movies in 15 Minutes (m15m) and applied it to The Office. It's 90% snark and 10% recap. As a disclaimer, the author of Movies in 15 Minutes has said that people are free to use the snarky script recap idea. So.. The Office in 5 minutes!

An excerpt:

MICHAEL: Phyllis, it's time we talked. About... the birds and the bees. Even though you're kind of like a toad.

PHYLLIS: Get the hell away from me.

( Remember when we used to be really close friends with all that sexual tension between us because I was secretly in love with you, and I saw your dorky dance moves? Those dance moves were really cute. )